On family...

"I dont like my family, I just love them."

I have realized that if you don't love your family, you can never ever love yourself....

Nisha Varman

One Night Stand

There is someone sleeping

On your side of the bed

But he is not you

He can never be

He doesn't even know me

He is a stranger by my side

He is just here for the night

And when morning comes

He will disappear

The scent of his body

Still lingers in my hair

That's all I have of him

The rest of him disappears

I don't rest on his shoulder

Like we used to do

I don't get lost in his embrace

Because he needs his space

He doesn't look at me

While I am asleep

Because he wants his sleep....

He doesn't kiss me goodbye

Because he is not obligated to

What was I thinking?

What did I expect?

He was my lover for a night

I get nothing more nothing less

And this feeling of being empty

That comes with the territory

I should have known better

But what was I supposed to do?

You left me lonely

You left me confused

You left me hungry for love

I could'nt starve myself anymore

I needed to be touched,

I needed to be held,

I needed to be loved to feel my heart beat again

This yearning, I couldn't ignore anymore

But you never cared about how I feel

You never thought how I would survive

When you said you didn't love me anymore

When you said your final goodbye

My heart mourns your loss

My body aches to be loved

But I don't want you back

Because I can't love you anymore

Love comes with responsibility

Love is not lust

Love comes with patience

Love cannot be rushed

But we live in a hasty world

And everyone is in a hurry

Everyone has their own baggage

That they are eager to bury

I think Love is heartbroken

Because everyone is lonely

This world lacks passion

We are all drowning

In a puddle of depth

We only know fast love

Coz the real thing

Its just too much work

So I make the best with what I have

That's how I get by

That's how I survive

I know you will judge me

And call me cruel names

But atleast I am honest

I don't believe in games

So let's not talk about virtue

Because you don't know how I feel

Coz you are not in my shoes

You will never be me...

Who am I?

Who am I?

I am your muse

What do I do?

I bring out the very best in you

What do I say?

Sometimes nothing

Where do I stay?

I am always by your side

What do I spin?

A web of comfort

What do I bring?

Serenity within

Whats between us?

A connection divine

What separates us?

Nothing, our lives are intertwined

What would I do without you?

Oh I would'nt survive...

Contradiction

I am a paradox

I am moderately extreme

I am a practical poet

I am numb and yet I can feel

I am fragile yet unbreakable

I am dangerously safe

I seek balance on an edge

Although you don't understand me

But you will find yourself in this maze

I am perfectly flawed

Like an eclipsed moon

I am a little bit of dusk

I am a little bit of dawn

I am darkness with a halo

I am lonely in a crowd

I am kind and I can be cruel

I am a queen without a crown

I can be caustic, I can be cold

Yet you will run to me when

You need someone to hold

I am a wounded healer

That's how I know your pain

I won't ask you questions

About the story of your life

Because I already know you

I searched your soul through your eyes

There is love hidden in my anger

There is pleasure mixed with my pain

I die a little death every day

To live a little more each day

I am the siren

Who wont mislead

I want a pound of flesh

But I don't want you to bleed

I am young

But I am an old-soul

I would like you to conquer me

But I don't want to lose control

I will crash

I will burn

I will crumble

I will break

But if you think

I am gone

That's really your mistake

Cause I will soar from the ashes

Like a golden phoenix

I will always reinvent

When you least expect

Everytime I break

It is to build a new me

I will make pearls out of hardships

I am life's oyster

Metamorphosis is my destiny

I too sometimes get lost

Amid this chaotic clutter of contradictions

I know what I am seeking

But I still don't know what I want

So I know how you feel

When you can't seem to reach out to me

I am just a simple complication

So don't you give up on me..

Thought

Sometimes in life ,to know what you want, you need to know what you dont want.

................

As I left Doha for yet another soul-searching voyage, I had this heavy feeling in my heart. No one was really waiting for me to come back. After 3 years of being in that country, I have nobody that I can really count on,nobody whose life would be altered if something stopped me from coming back, nobody who actually really cared. Nobody who would actually miss me.

It shows really bad on me, I mean how could I manage to not even cultivate one good relationship with another human being, how tough can it really be to connect with another person? How difficult it is to love and to be loved in return? How difficult is it to want to hold hands and go grocery shopping? How crazy is it to want to wake up with somebody?

Maybe its just me..maybe I didnt try hard enough, maybe I tried too hard, maybe they were wrong for me, maybe I am wrong for them... Maybe I am just too aloof, maybe I am teflon coated, I stick to nobody and nobody sticks to me. Maybe I am unlucky in love, maybe its hard to love me.

Maybe its a sign from God, He always manages to snip all my ties when the time comes to leave. I guess he is trying to make it easier for me to leave, coz I am such a softie or because it becomes easier for me to pursue my destiny with no strings attached.

I dont know what the divine purpose is for all that I am feeling right now, I dont even know how to console myself anymore, I have tried retail therapy, I have tried to vent by going to the gym, I have tried music, I have tried being with myself, I have tried to drown myself in an ocean of people, I have tried crying, I have tried to laugh it away, I have tried to find a new me when I travel, I have tried everything to entertain myself but in vain....

I am lonely. But I would be lonely even in a crowd.

I am homesick but I dont really know where I belong.

I am lovesick. I guess I am in love with love but love evades me like an illusion.

Its hard being me at this point, but I am trying to make sense of it all. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Maybe one day...

In my shoes

Most people see me as a perfect example of a ruthless, career-driven, power-hungry woman.I see that as my best means of survival.

I just wish you could step into my shoes for a day and see what it feels being me.

Daddy's little girl

When I am having a rough day, I call my dad. He is almost always able to answer all my questions, he is almost always able to understand how I feel because he felt it too, he is always able to inspire me and pull me out of the doldrums and gives me the strength and courage to do the right thing even if it means walking the cold, lonely path alone. He always reminds me that I am made up of guts, glory and steel when I doubt myself and gives me the liberty to go chase my impossible dreams without any fear.

Its taken us a decade to get here, its taken us a long time to understand each other without any misunderstandings, its been a rough ride getting to know each other better, but I guess nothing comes easy in life, not even love. We have worked hard to earn each other's respect and that will always be my biggest achievement.

I love you papa. Its so hard to walk in your shoes. But you never stopped....

On Patience

"Patience is a virtue that I am patiently waiting to happen in me."

Quote

"I am driven by love or by the sheer lack of it."

On Anger

Most people view anger as a negative trait. I dont. Anger brings out the best in me. Anger makes me achieve impossible things, things I never thought (even in my wildest imagination) I could do. People who have the capacity to mock me, are very special people in my opinion and I respect them from the bottom of my heart. Its because of their fearless observations and honesty that I have been able to overcome my fears, my shortcomings and my general lack of talent.

Rules of Engagement...

Ok, I know it can be a pain dealing with me, its difficult to be with me, its difficult to love me, its difficult to define me. I hear you guys, I feel your pain, so here it is, the 10 commandments , the do's and dont's of dealing with this very volatile Varman.

1) Be CONSISTENT: Do not attempt to do anything that you cannot continue for the rest of your time with me. I am a creature of habit. I get used to the nice, sweet things and when they are abruptly taken away from me, I get extremely cranky.

Exception: Yet at the same time, you will find me constantly fighting comfort zones because comfort zones make me uncomfortable.

2) COMMUNICATION Woes: My mom describes talking to me as the most impossible task and I know she is right. The fact is that I don't enjoy talking because I believe actions speak louder than words. I don't like having long conversations on the phone. Those of you who have attempted to co-ordinate a long distance relationship with me will tell you that I really mean it. I do not see the need to speak to my parents everyday so I definitely don't see the need of talking to you everyday either. If you are not here, you are not here. So no amount of calling cards or msn chat can make up for the absence. I don't believe in small talk either cause the virtue patience was not handed out to me, so if you do have something to say, just say it, don't beat around the bush.

3) Memory BITE: Beware of my memory. I systematically remember each and every thing that has hurt me and has made me cry and that's my constitution. Don't make any promises that you can't keep. I don't forgive and I don't forget. (yes, I know that its unhealthy and yes I know I should learn to let go) but the fact remains V is for Vendetta in my dictionary.

4) I need my SPACE: I have inherited all of my Dad's quirks and artistic eccentricities minus his talent. I am an artist looking for a medium and I have to emphasize the fact that when I hide in my cave, just let me be. I am in there for a reason. My mood swings are hard for even me to decipher so I cannot explain them to you.

5) I hate INDIFFERENCE: I cannot stand and will not tolerate indifference of any sort. If you have a problem, talk to me, don't give me the cold shoulder. If I have a problem with you, I will talk to you and I will spell the problem out and when I do, please hear me out.

I believe that fights are not necessarily bad. It gives you a platform to vent and say exactly how you feel at that point so that you don't stew unnecessarily over trivial matters. The day I dont want to talk about things anymore is the day I don't care.

6) Don't laugh at my DREAMS: I rarely talk about my dreams because my dreams are sacred. If you do get to hear them, please for heaven's sake don't scoff at them or tell me that will never come true. Yeah I know you are being realistic, but hey these are dreams for crying out loud, dreams pave the way of your future and I don't believe that dreams should have a ceiling.

7) Don't ask me to RESPECT you- The very fact that you ask me to respect you means that I unfortunately don't respect you. Respect needs to be earned. Respect cannot be forced. I don't respect people because of their age, I don't respect people because of their social status, I respect people because of their depth and their moral fibre.

8) Don't clip my WINGS: I have never kept a bird as a pet because its cruel to cage someone whose identity revolves around the capacity to fly, to soar, to explore. Freedom is worth fighting for, freedom is worth dying for.

9) Don't RUN away when the going gets tough: This is a promise, if I love you as a friend or as a lover, I will never abandon you in your tough times. I will stick you through thick through thin, till death do us apart. I might not be there in your good times but I will be there when you need a shoulder to cry on, I will be your pillar of strength, I will nourish you with positive energy even if it drains me, I will take care of you, I will fight the world for you and I mean this and I expect the same from you. Bad times bring out the best in me. I am a fighter, I am a trooper, I don't believe in giving up on you and I expect you to never give up on me either.

10) Don't be AFRAID of teaching me: Here is a secret. I am really not good in nothing. I just work very hard. I don't know everything, I have not had much of a childhood, I am a slow learner, I don't get things right the first time. Insecurity brings out the best in me. It makes me work harder. There are some things I don't understand, I rely on you to teach me. There are times I do wrong things, I trust you to tell me that I was wrong and teach me how to do it right. There are times I am hell bent to go the wrong way, I need someone to pull me in the right direction no matter how impossible that task might seem. I have great respect for teachers and I am what I am today because they were generous enough to share their knowledge and experiences with me.I understand the language of love, if you do it out of love and concern I will not misunderstand you.

Strange Love

Am just being true to myself

All or nothing is what I want

I risk of losing everything

Or I could have it all

I have put myself in your shoes

And I know what you are going through

You really care, I know you do

Although you've never said it

But I know that you love me too

And I realize you have been in my place

You understand how I feel

I feel pain when I can't have you all

I am built to sting, that's my wall

But I love you too much to see you fall

So I keep this pain, this hurt to me

This poison, this venom grows in me

Don't want you to see my dark side

And so I try to push you away

Although I need you to survive

These are strange times

This is a strange love

You try to save me from you

And I try to save you from me

This is complicated and yet simple

We are drowning in each other's depth

Getting more entangled in this passionate web

This picture makes sense

Yet it's incomplete

Can our parallel lines ever meet?

Always thought life was black or white

Never believed I could make such a sacrifice

I guess there has to be a snake in every paradise

I am hanging on to you while letting you go

This is hard, this is hard, this is hard

You know....

I believe we have something special

There is something about us

Its difficult being you and its difficult being me

And together we could be a catastrophe

But we seem to stick no matter what

Even if it appears that we are poles apart

I don't know how to give up

On something that's mine

I know we will get through

All we need is time

I believe in the truth of you and me

But I cannot manipulate destiny

So with a heavy heart, I am letting go

I know you will come back to me

I simply just know............

Airports

Airports have always been a special place for me. In fact my life has always revolved in and around airports in a way. My granny tells me that the first time we went together to an airport, I was barely two or three years old and I had spotted a litter of kittens somewhere (my memory fades me, I cant quite remember whether it was Singapore or Bombay, although its highly unlikely to spot kittens in Singapore Changi Airport) and I was totally smitten by them. They had to physically chase me to get their hands on me so that we could go wherever we were going.

Airports meant excitement for me, somebody coming home, it also sometimes meant people leaving and that till today makes me sad. Mom used to travel back and forth between Bombay and Singapore. My aunts, two of them who used to be flight attendants made it a point to make it to Bombay to visit us. Since I was the first grand-child at that point, my grandparents could not bear to stay away from me too long and so our life was a constant arrival departure schedule.

And then as destiny would have it, my career now directly revolves around airports. I specialize in marketing advertising real estate in international airports; Singapore was my first stop and now Qatar.

Singapore’s Changi Airport was a dream airport to market. It is clean, efficient, had lots of things that made a passenger want to come to Singapore or transit in Singapore. It was my big break in the field of media sales. I was 21 and a total rookie. I had previously worked for Citibank which was a totally different ball game and so the transition was a tough one. I knew nothing about media sales, nothing about how airport advertising works and in an industry where who you know really matters, I knew nobody and nobody knew me.

My boss Mr. Peter Kemeny was not quite sure if I could fit the bill. He was looking for someone older, someone who had media sales experience but having said that he took a chance on me and I will always be indebted to him for that. He was really difficult to work for but he had a heart of gold and he taught me some priceless lessons.

I spent lots of time trying to get to know Changi better. Every nook and corner, every retail shop, what was their best seller, what was not selling at all, flight timings of various airlines, departure and arrival gates for the airlines etc. I believe that in knowledge based economy there should be knowledge based selling. Information is power in today’s world.

I worked for Changi for 3 years and it was a very successful stint, I must say. But they say all good things come to an end, the company was bought over by another company whose management had no idea of how to manage people as well as any knowledge of how the business should run, Peter died in a horrible car accident a week after the handover, a few months later SARS hit Asia and air travel plummeted miserably and I was generally not happy doing what I was doing. I needed to move. I needed to get out of Singapore. I needed to find myself a new airport.

As fate would have it, I found myself packing my bags for Doha-Qatar, a place virtually unheard of by most people at that time. It was a risk, it was a leap of faith, I had no idea what I was getting myself into but I had nothing to lose that I was afraid of losing. It was June, 2003; I think we were towards the end of the Gulf War. I was 24 years old and in completely unfamiliar territory.

I found myself doing pretty much the same things in a totally different environment. Every day was a new challenge and I love every moment of it.

Airports are my comfort zone, I guess. There is a flurry of activity, there is action, there is movement, and airports are melting pots of people, languages, fashion, dreams, hopes, excitement and a common goal of reaching your point of disembarkation. Whenever I am having a bad day, I lose myself in the restricted areas of the airport. It’s a perk of my job, which I really enjoy. Airports are always open, airports are always busy, airports for me are addictive. Airports for me are an escape even if I am not going anywhere. Airports stand for the fact that no matter how hard, how bad how day has been, there is always a way out (although in Doha you need to have an exit permit before you can plan on a spontaneous trip), there is always a new life in a new place for you. You just need to make your mind, you just need to pack your bags, you just need to jump, you just need to find yourself a new airport...........