In appreciation of Grey

All my life, I have been an extreme person and I have been extremely proud of it. It was either Black or white . It was either all or nothing. It was either excess or zilch. So if I was into someone, I was really into them. If I hated someone, I really hated them too. If I studied hard, I topped the class, if I wasnt up to it I came in last. If I train, I train as if I am going to compete in the Olympics, if I dont, I become a couch potato. You get the drift..

I can safely say that I am a very passionate person and this passion rubs on to all areas of my life and not just love. I don't pursue anything that I am not passionate about or that I cannot be passionate about. My passion for things that I love or care for makes me extreme in my pursuit of them. I will go all out, leave no stone unturned, make no excuses for bad performance, will redo it until I get it right, move mountains, part oceans if I want something really bad and nothing can stop me. Thats the way I was raised. I was raised to be the best and nothing but the best.

In the past decade, I have noticed a pattern in my life. I have always reached a point in human relationships, or in my career, or spiritually where I needed to ask the " All or Nothing" question. And all of those times, I walked away with nothing to show for my total and complete devotion and loyalty to the individuals who now are doing exactly the same things I had expected out of them for other people. Makes me feel a little cheated as I was there in their tough times and now when its all good for them, they have conveniently made me a forgotten grey area. It was ok for me earlier to walk away empty-handed and start from scratch again, but as the years go by, I am feeling jaded about the fact that I have just Nothing to show for most of my life and the reason behind that was my ideology of being extreme.

It doesn't surprise me that I find myself more and more on unfamiliar grey territory inspite of the fact that I detest it. The undefined, the vague, the in-between, and not-so-sure zone and I find myself drowning. I find myself questioning my belief system. What if grey was good? What if something is really better than nothing? What if everything I believed in or wanted in life was just a mirage?

When we were younger, we are brimming with ideals and values and we all want to live life the right way and do the right things. But then we face life with all our innocence and we go through situations that pollutes our pure and spotless mind. We get hurt. We build walls around us so that nobody can hurt the true person hiding behind the wall and yet we wish that somebody could read us like a book and somebody could climb those very walls we built to protect ourselves to save us from our loneliness. We did the right thing inspite of the madness surrounding us and yet we got hurt. We look around us and we see the other people who have happy smiles inspite of the fact that they have not done the right thing. And then we question ourselves, is it really worth it to do the right thing and be unhappy or is it wiser to embrace grey and be happy in our life? If doing the right thing just makes us come last, why not get rid of our conscience and get ahead in this race of life? Why should we care about what is right or what is wrong when we were never rewarded for our good behaviour? Why should we be virtuous when that virtue makes us finish last. We have all been here. We have all been tormented by this battle going on in our head. We are all justified when the good in us wants to be bad because we never got anything to show for our goodness and virtue. And if we did choose to change what we believe in, nobody can point a finger to us because they have walked in our shoes. Its all justified, consciences get managed into believing that to survive this life we needed to evolve and certain ideals need to be let go as they dont make sense anymore. We do what feels right for us at the moment and we seek happiness for the moment one day at a time and there is nothing wrong with that.

I find myself at this point in my life where I don't want to have nothing all the time because I know I deserve more than that. I want more. And this time, I want more of all and not nothing. So should I change who I am? Should I embrace the grey way of life? Or should I just be who I am and do my thing and be my own person and follow my beliefs till the very end and live life on my terms and be optimistic that good things happen to good people no matter what.

Feel...

Sometimes it is not necessary to pen down your thoughts on paper because somebody else has already done it so beautifully. This song totally stands for how I feel and its amazing to see that one can draw parallels with somebody else's thoughts. Its comforting to know that you are not alone. Thats why I respect artists, because in a world where people are constantly encouraged to think, artists do their own thing, feel the real stuff minus the safety nets and then turn their dark pain into something so beautiful for the whole world to enjoy. There can be no creation without pain and heartbreak. Embrace pain with a smile and its only when you feel you are falling into the darkest pit, you will soar like a magnificent eagle. So never stop feeling and you will never stop living.

Come on hold my hand,

I wanna contact the living.

Not sure I understand,

This role I’ve been given.

I sit and talk to God

And he just laughs at my plans,

My head speaks a language,

I don’t understand.

I just wanna feel real love,

Feel the home that I live in.

’cause I got too much life,

Running through my veins,

going to waste.

I don’t wanna die,

But I ain’t keen on living either.

Before I fall in love,

I’m preparing to leave her.

I scare myself to death,

That’s why I keep on running.

Before I’ve arrived,

I can see myself coming.

I just wanna feel real love,

Feel the home that I live in.

’cause I got too much life,

Running through my veins,

going to waste.

And I need to feel,

real love

And a life ever after.

I cannot get enough.

I just wanna feel real love,

Feel the home that I live in,

I got too much love,

Running through my veins,

going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,

In a life ever after

There’s a hole in my soul,

You can see it in my face,

it’s a real big place.

Come and hold my hand,

I wanna contact the living,

Not sure I understand,

This role I’ve been given

Not sure I understand.

Not sure I understand.

Not sure I understand.

Not sure I understand.

"Feel" is a 2002 single released by Robbie Williams, the first one from his 2002 album Escapology. It was Robbie's first song in the UK for over a year and it was tipped to top the UK Singles Chart, but it only just missed out, reaching number two.

Doha Days

Time is relative. Sometimes it flies and sometimes it crawls. I have experienced it both in Doha and today is exactly four years of my Dohanian adventure. I have learnt many lessons, I have seen life from a totally different perspective, I have made many friends and acquaintances, I have found myself when I thought I was lost, I have fallen in love, broken my heart and yet emerged intact and fearless and brave enough to pick up my pieces and try again. I came to this country looking for answers to life's many questions and I am leaving with atleast a few answers.

On Compatibility

Contrary to what most of us think, compatibility is not directly proportionate to love. Compatibility is all about managing expectations. When you under-promise and you over-deliver, then everyone is happy.

Do the Right Thing

Sometimes in life, you just need to do the right thing. Not because the people in your life want and expect you to do it. We need to do the right thing because we want to embrace it out of our own free will. Even if it means that you sacrifice your hopes, your dreams, your needs and wants and everything else you think that makes you happy. I have said this before, all of us know, to a large extent, what the right thing is. We sometimes don't do it because it might be difficult, it might be inconvenient, or maybe we are just too comfortable with what we have at the moment and that we are unable to envision what we could have if we took a step in the right direction even if it meant that we walked that path alone. Its so easy to escape, its so easy to block it out but the fact is that it never goes away and it will come to confront you when you least expect it. The truth is the only thing that is true in this world. Its also the only thing that can destroy illusions and make you see things the way they really are. Sometimes I wish I was not so relentless to dig the truth. Sometimes I wish, I was just happy to accept what is given to me. But in spite of my best intentions I find myself pursuing the trail of truth. And whatever I do find out, destroys the fabric of my happiness, but somewhere deep down, I am happy that I know. Somehow, it doesn't matter if I have broken again to a thousand smithereens. Because I know I did the right thing. And I also know that it gives me the power to rise above my ashes like a golden phoenix...