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As I left Doha for yet another soul-searching voyage, I had this heavy feeling in my heart. No one was really waiting for me to come back. After 3 years of being in that country, I have nobody that I can really count on,nobody whose life would be altered if something stopped me from coming back, nobody who actually really cared. Nobody who would actually miss me.

It shows really bad on me, I mean how could I manage to not even cultivate one good relationship with another human being, how tough can it really be to connect with another person? How difficult it is to love and to be loved in return? How difficult is it to want to hold hands and go grocery shopping? How crazy is it to want to wake up with somebody?

Maybe its just me..maybe I didnt try hard enough, maybe I tried too hard, maybe they were wrong for me, maybe I am wrong for them... Maybe I am just too aloof, maybe I am teflon coated, I stick to nobody and nobody sticks to me. Maybe I am unlucky in love, maybe its hard to love me.

Maybe its a sign from God, He always manages to snip all my ties when the time comes to leave. I guess he is trying to make it easier for me to leave, coz I am such a softie or because it becomes easier for me to pursue my destiny with no strings attached.

I dont know what the divine purpose is for all that I am feeling right now, I dont even know how to console myself anymore, I have tried retail therapy, I have tried to vent by going to the gym, I have tried music, I have tried being with myself, I have tried to drown myself in an ocean of people, I have tried crying, I have tried to laugh it away, I have tried to find a new me when I travel, I have tried everything to entertain myself but in vain....

I am lonely. But I would be lonely even in a crowd.

I am homesick but I dont really know where I belong.

I am lovesick. I guess I am in love with love but love evades me like an illusion.

Its hard being me at this point, but I am trying to make sense of it all. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Maybe one day...