Taming of the Shrew
Yes the Shrew in question, its me. And no, I am not trying to be a martyr. And no, I am not trying to victimize myself. And no, I don't need to hear that I am actually a very good person. And no, I definitely don't want to be smothered with sympathy.
Yes, I have been a bitch lately. I have been cranky. I have been snapping at everyone who is kind to me. I have been extremely difficult to handle and I am doing a lousy job of handling everybody who means something to me. Yes mom, you are right (once again), its extremely difficult to have a conversation with me. Yes I have received feedback that people think twice before speaking to me because they are not sure as to how I will react. And God forbid, if they try to make small talk with me, cause that definitely makes me explode with unexplained irritation and rage. Really, Nisha who do you think you are? I find myself asking me...
And I find myself coming up with the usual excuses, maybe its PMS, but going by that theory, am I supposed to PMS the entire month? Maybe I am stressed as I am moving jobs, moving countries, and uprooting myself from the familiar to the unfamiliar. Yeah but I have heard the same complaint from close friends even when I was not poised for relocation. And really I asked for this move. I had a really comfy existence before I decided to stir things up. So why change something when you cannot handle it, I find myself asking me. And if I do want the change, then why not gracefully evolve?
Then I conveniently blame my childhood for the way I am. I was raised for combat by my extremely Hitlerish dad and while his take no prisoners upbringing has served me very well in my professional life, I find myself failing miserably in my personal life. Anger drives me in my work, makes me push my limits. That same anger in my personal life has made me extremely talented in driving loved ones away. Whats worse, my dad now tells me that I should calm down and try to cultivate a softer side. And every time I hear that, I find myself erupting with uncalm sentiments. After 18 years of raising me like a warrior, my very own dad wants me to find my feminine side?
Fine, maybe you are right Daddy. And its not that I do not try. I do try. Because I really don't want to be so angry anymore especially when it drives me up the wall and drives everyone away. Because I am tired of being lonely and the thought that I will be left on the shelf because of my not-so-user-friendly-interface scares the living hell out of me. Yes, I have tried to embrace my fears and yes I have been alone by choice for a very long time, but the fact is that I don't want to alone for the rest of my life. The fact is that I don't want to drive people away.
Yes mom, you always say that in life always be a good and kind human being first and know that the goodwill u will earn as a result will be non parallelled. I try to be as kind and as generous as I can be and I do my best for the people who are in my inner circle. But there are times, when I am incapable of giving. There are times when I run on empty. There are times when I feel so weary and tired that I just find myself unable to even answer a simple question without feeling irritated. There are times I want to receive without asking for stuff. And whenever I do or say something not so nice, I really feel very apologetic and I do ask for forgiveness from the bottom of my heart. But when my own people hurt me, they never even apologize and on top of that they insist that I should not feel the way I do. Maybe I shouldn't feel the way I feel. Maybe its all in my head. But the fact is I do feel everything I feel. So what do I do with my feelings?
And its not that I don't recognize my flaws. I do see them and I acknowledge them and I know I want to change. And I try everyday in the hope that I don't over-react and that I am not childish, and that I grow up soon, that I not be selfish, and over-bearing and aggressive and possessive and God knows what.. Maybe I am not ready to let go of my defense mechanisms just as yet, but I know I will be soon, but I don't know exactly when this will happen, but I am hopeful that it will. But is my asking to be loved while I change, is this asking for too much?
posted by NishaDelisha at
10:40 AM
2 Comments:
Sit down and rest awhile.
You are being too hard on yourself. It is during times of stress, strain and anxiety that we tend to vent our emotions on friends and family, basically anyone close to us - and because we tend to take them for granted.
Allow yourself to have feelings. Suppressing them will only make it worse.
Realising that you have a problem and need to address it is very positive, however, unless you come to terms with what is really upsetting you you will never truly be able to control your emotions.
Remember, those who love you will always love you, whatever you may do or however you may feel. Their love is unconditional. It is only when you realise this that you will be able to reciprocate.
Its funny, we all yearn for happiness & kindness and a warmness to hold and caress but the more we reach for it the tougher it is to find. Perhaps its not outside but within.
From my rather limited experience, a couple of things I think I've learnt/ am trying to learn-
1. Venting emotions- A GOOD thing to do. But just as you and I have the right to be bitchy and cranky, so does everyone else have the right to react to that behavior the way they choose- When I choose to disregard the way they feel when I yell, do I still have the right to demand that they respect my need to scream?
2. Why the discrepancy between the warrior and the woman? Woman IS warrior. One of my favorite stories is that of mahishasur- How none of hte male gods could defeat the demon, and each of them gave their greatest strenth to make the warrior goddess. And each of their strengths is embodied by a woman, their Shakti. Goddess and warrior, feminine and strong- they are one.
3. Asking to be loved while you change- When you yell, have you stopped loving? By the same token, those that refuse to put up with the yelling havent stopped loving you either!
4. Unconditional love- Do you really want it? Do you want someone to accept you no matter who you are or what you do, or would you rather have someone who encourages you to be the very best you can be, who refuses to accept mediocrity from you when they know you are capable of the superlative?
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