There is no mystery to happiness.

Unhappy men are all alike. Some wound they suffered long ago, some wish denied, some blow to pride, some kindling spark of love put out by scorn- or worse, indifference- cleaves to them, or they to it, and so they live each day within a shroud of yesterdays. The happy man does not look back. He doesn’t look ahead. He lives in the present.

But there’s the rub. The present can never deliver one thing: meaning. The ways of happiness and meaning are not the same. To find happiness, a man need only live in the moment; he need only live for the moment. But if he wants meaning- the meaning of his dreams, his secrets, his life- a man must re-inhabit his past, however dark, and live for the future, however uncertain. Thus nature dangles happiness and meaning before us all, insisting only that we choose between them.

For myself, I have always chosen meaning. There has to be a bigger purpose in life. I was not born ordinary to live a regular ordinary life. But I am still not sure of what my true calling is. So I dig. I dig deep to go where no-one has gone before. I dig till I find the root of the problem. I dig till I find what they are made up of. And I am relentless until I find the truth. And when I find the truth, it usually destroys me. I find myself broken in pieces. But I also find the glue of strength to put myself together again. And when I look in the mirror I find me smiling back at my reflection. So I know its all good. I survived the aftermath. Sometimes to find yourself you need to allow yourself to get lost. Sometimes to create you need to break things down.

In life, sometimes to know what you want, it is important to know what you do not want. And the one thing I really know about myself is that I have the courage to stand up for the things and the people I believe in no matter what. The one thing I know about me is that I have pursued life on my terms even if it means that I have to make some people unhappy at that point. Maybe I am selfish, but at-least I know what I am and what I am made up of. So I will have no regrets if today is my last day on this earth. I did everything that I wanted, I did everything that I am not ashamed about but above all in spite of all my heartbreaks I never forgot how to truly fall in love in spite of all my vulnerabilities. A life without love is in fact a dead life. People who go through life trying to please everyone, trying to live just for the moment, not knowing who they are and what they want are living a half-life because they do not know the key of metamorphosis. They are like caterpillars that are stuck in their cocoons unable to emerge as beautiful butterflies because they lived in the moment and they never really chased the true purpose of their life. They never truly lived.

The truth is that I am hurting right now and I don’t know where to seek comfort from. I know I must have wanted something really really bad when I reach a point of not wanting it anymore. I must have been quite burnt. Didn’t hear the sound of my hopes and dreams breaking admist your lies. I can feel myself falling. I am falling into a familiar place, I have been here before. So I know how this is going to be, at least I can comfort myself with this fact. Atleast I know what I can expect.

People are human. Our gut feelings are human too. Humans make mistakes. Our gut feelings can sometimes make mistakes too. So why is it so hard for me to forgive myself? Why am I being so hard on me? Why can’t I just let it go? Along the years, people who have seen me break in love, have told me that I should not get emotionally involved. I question myself, how can one fall in love without investing your emotions in the other person. I guess, they don’t mean harm, they are just trying to protect me. But its no fun then. So I am paying the price now, I guess…

But the fact is that I really did put in my best. I really fell in love with no guards on and with no safety net to protect the fall. I went out of my way and I was sincere in whatever I said and did. I was honest about everything and I expected honesty in return. I had hoped that you would stand up for me and would not buckle under pressure but instead you opted for convenience. But you need to understand true love is not convenient. It takes lots of guts to fall in love. But I guess you are not built for this kind of combat.

Your silence informs me of the choices you have made, I know none in my favor. It makes me very sad, I wont deny, but I know I am doing the right thing even if it is not the easiest thing...