Forgetting that I Remember

This year has been a rough year from the very start. In terms of love, in terms of friendship, in terms of work, in terms of life. I mean everything that I have looked forward to, everything that I have wanted, everything that I have desired, everything that has brought a smile on my face has left me. I wake up with nothing to look forward to, nothing makes me happy, I am just jaded, cynical and morose.

It also has been in this year that I have heard so many people tell me to move on, to let go, to forgive, to forget and when I hear them say it, I would like to ask them if they know how I feel. I have been the sensitive one from day one, everything gets to me, every harsh word leaves a mark on my spirit, every mean thing makes me cry and even though I am a woman today, I still react the same way. And the worse part is everyone around me knows this about me. I feel naked and vulnerable and very very alone.

And it is this because of this silence around me, I am able to hear my inner voice that questions me that maybe its is hard to forgive when one cannot forget, its hard to let go, if you are clutching on to everything with your whole life. And yes, I have been told that I have a killer grip.

I remember everything. Details from my childhood, details that my parents have forgotten, things that I should have forgotten too, but I still remember. Its not that I have not moved on from the past, but I simply just remember. Just like I have never forgotten the last names of all my school friends, just like I have never forgotten a good friends’ birthday. Just like I have never forgotten a good deed when I was down and out. I think the one thing that helps a person to stay loyal is because they remember the goodness of the person they are loyal too. I guess that’s why dogs and elephants are considered loyal and noble creatures. They never forget.

Maybe I should consider getting my memory reversed, or maybe I should pretend that I don’t remember. My memory is the root cause of all my suffering. It seems that the whole world is pretending. Pretending that they don’t see, pretending that things don’t bother them, pretending that things don’t get to them. And these are the same people who talk about being truthful and being honest. And yet when they see honesty across the table, they respond to her with lies and deceit and indifference. I guess, I have realized the truth about truth. Its overrated….

To pretend that nothing gets to you, to ignore things that bother you, to run away from the truth and blame the world for the things that go wrong instead of looking inwards are the things that are included in my new- year resolution. Maybe it will change the things that make me who I am but atleast it protects me from new painful memories. Because I am sick and tired of documenting everything or maybe I am just running out of disk space and I need to delete stuff that I don’t use anymore. I need to teach myself to forget. Or maybe just pretend that I have forgotten that I remember.