Beautiful Stranger

My life for the past three years has been various shades of gray. I have been walking in the desert looking out for the oasis of love but it has always been an illusion, a mirage… Its just been Maya.

I have been lonely in a crowd, I have been betrayed, I feel misunderstood, I found myself craving for love, for affection, for comfort, for a connection. And then I saw him…our eyes met, our minds connected, I searched his soul and I found myself drowning in his depth. I thought here is someone who feels the same things I do. Here is someone who has made friends with pain. I found myself getting drawn to him like a moth to a flame. He put his arms around me maybe he sensed that I needed to be held. His body was hot, it almost burned me, he was surprised too that he held me. I knew that I would meet him again.. I wanted to meet him again. I left the smoky, noisy haven without whispering goodbye. I knew he would find me.

And he did. A week later, we were inseparable, we made earth shattering love, as he touched my body, he caressed my starving soul, he touched my heart, my broken heart, he fed me with love and affection, he promised me to give me love in an undefined way.

I have been a control freak all my life, I have always tried to put things in compartments, neatly defined, everything was either black or white, it was all or nothing, there was no place for the undefined gray. But where did this defined path lead me? It lead me to a sea of loneliness, and I don’t want to be by myself anymore.

So I know that my beautiful stranger is really bad for me, I know that he could destroy me, I know his past is a morbid one and I know the more I probe, the darker it gets, but somehow, I find myself swimming with the tide, somehow I find myself not fighting this feeling, somehow I find myself surrendering. I know he does not love me, but he does care for me. And caring is sometimes more important than love. I know this equation will never convert into a meaningful solution, but does anything make perfect sense anymore?

I have never been a great fan of compromise or sacrifice, but I find myself eating humble pie. I find myself succumbing. My friends tell me that I can do better, that I deserve better, that I am selling myself too short, that I need to be strong. But I find myself telling them that I want to be with my beautiful stranger because he is the only one who wants to spend time with me, who does not care holding my hand in public, is not ashamed of showing his affection for me.

So that’s how our story began, I needed him and slowly I started wanting him and then I started loving him.

In all my previous relationships, I have always been the one who does things for my partner and when the relationship dissolved, I found myself being emotionally drained. For the first time in my life, I found myself taking a back seat in this relationship. Because here was a man, who was as generous as me, who was as affectionate as I am.

Here was a man who could tolerate my dark mood swings and my tantrums and would still want to be with me after the storm subsided. Here was a man who would do the dishes (after making food), light up candles, take care of grocery shopping, teach me how to reverse park without me asking for any of the above. Here was a man who truly knew the meaning of friendship, because it is hard to love me if you cannot be my friend.

So when he left because he had to, I wept silently. I am not sure whether he is going to come back, so I am trying to hang on to the memories we have had together. We getting drunk in the desert rain, bailing our innocent friends out from jail, those wonderful curry night parties, our silent conversations, our angry fights, our sorry apologies. I have had the time of my life these past seven months… I have changed into a better person. I learnt how to fall in love with a broken heart and I know that love will come again.

So my beautiful stranger, thank you for spending some time with me…