Love, Lies and Hotel Rooms

She checked into her hotel room, had a skip to her step and yet she could not understand the reason behind her heavy heart. She was going to meet her lover after 4 months, she had missed him so much, she had craved for him so much and now she was going to meet him. Everything was going to be fine, she told herself. She loved him and he loved her, thats all that mattered. And the rest, she would figure it out, like she always did.

She contemplated whether to welcome him in her naughty underwear, or maybe nothing at all. He deserved a treat, life had been a little too rough on him. But she decided to be a lady instead of a tart.

It would take him an hour and a half to reach the hotel, so she decided to take a warm luxurious bath. A holiday special. She let the warm water envelope her with its comfort and fragrance and she was transported to a different world. She didnt realize when she drifted to sleep until she heard the telephone ring. Thank god for hotels to think of putting a phone in the bathroom, she thought as she whispered a Hello. " Do you want me to come up?" he asked. " what a strange question. Ofcourse. I am dying to see you. Its 1085 in the west wing. she said.

She hastily tried to dry her wet skin and covered herself with a robe and took a quick look at her reflection. She was a beautiful woman, she thought and she wondered why she had never felt this way before..

There was a soft knock on her door. What she felt in her heart was totally opposite.He was here, they were finally going to be together again. She opened the door and there he was.. The man she totally loved and adored. He looked a little different, but it was him. Rough times had taken a toll and brought new lines on his face. But it was him. Four months being without him felt like eternity. He kissed her on her mouth but his kiss felt different. She told herself to stop over analyzing stuff, he was here and that was all that she wanted.

He walked in with a limp, his leg had not recovered a hundred percent and he sat on the edge of the bed. He looked at her and held her hand and asked her " So how are you" She smiled and said " Better now".

He smiled and looked away out of the window and asked " Is this a non smoking room? I know you dont like smoke" She smiled and said " Well, I requested for a smoking room specially, I know you like your smoke. I dont see your bags, is the concierge getting it for you?" He held her hand and kissed her wrist and said " I dont think I should stay here to be honest Sophia. I need to tell you something" She felt her blood freeze. There were a million questions that she wanted to ask but her voice just wouldnt come out. Finally she asked, " You just dont love me anymore Dean?

He kissed her forehead and sighed, " I do love you, but I cant love you the way you love me. I cant give you a hundred percent the way you give me. I cant make you my number one priority. I.." His phone rang. He stared at the unregistered number for a while and then chose to not answer it. She stared at him with moist eyes and wondered if he was seeing someone else. Then she found herself saying if it mattered anymore. The fact was that he didnt love her, and he wasnt going to fight the world or his demons for her love and affections. This was just futile..

" You are a beautiful woman Sophia, you deserve someone special,someone who will move mountains for you, someone who will give you his hundred percent, and not just empty promises. And as much as I want to hold you, touch you, as much as I want to rip your clothes off and make wild love to you, I also have realized that I respect you far too much to do all that and not live up to your expectations. I dont want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I dont have what it takes to love a magnificent woman like you."

She sighed and tears cascaded down her golden skin like pearls. She cried " So you are leaving me because I stand for whats good. why cant you fight for me, why is it that when things go bad, the first thing you can and are willing to sacrifice is me? Am I not worth fighting for? Am I not worth dying for? Why give me up when I could do anything for you? Why me?" she broke off sobbing...

He held her tight and rocked back and forth in an attempt to comfort the sobbing child in her. She smelt good as usual. The familiar scent of her warm body brought back memories of how they used to be and before he could know what to think next, he found himself kissing her and he felt her body respond like the way it always did, as if nothing had changed in these past four months. Their bodies had not forgotten each other, they recognized their lover as soon as their lips met and everything else was forgotten. Their bodies took over. He wanted to desperately forget the cross he was bearing. He wanted her so bad. But he could'nt. For reasons he could never own up to and for reasons that were better off left imprisoned in the darkness of his mind. He wanted to be a better man, a man who could think above his animal instincts and she was worth that.

" This is so wrong..this is so wrong" he whispered as he tried to break himself from their embrace. " I love you and you love me, Dean, whats so wrong in us loving each other." she muttered as he tried to fix her clothes back in place moments after unfixing it himself.

"You deserve better Sophia.. You know that and I know that. I am a coward. I cannot even face you in the eye, I dont deserve you sweety. Believe me. You are a magnificent person, you are meant for better things, I am a poor man, poor from the heart, I wont be able to give you the things you deserve. I am weak guy. I cant be the soldier you want me to be. I only know how to run away. This is me. I am shallow. I can drown in a puddle of depth. I am not good for you Sophie, let me go." he broke down sobbing.

She sat by his side, trying to comfort him while she needed comfort herself. She was trying to understand what just happened in the past one hour. Her life was changing and she needed to change with it. All her hopes, all her dreams and all her plans had been shattered and now she had to put it back together, she needed to put it back quick. Maybe she did deserve better even if she was happy with what she got from him.

" So are we..." her voice trailed off as his phone rang. He stared at it with a blank expression or maybe she just could not understand the contours of his face anymore. Time and distance changes everything, she thought to herself.

" Sophie, I need to leave now. I cannot stay here any longer. Its not healthy for you, me around you." he said as he got up and collected his jacket.

" So you are just going, leaving me like this, I came all the way to see you Dean and you are just going?" she said still reeling from the shock.

" Yes, I am Sophia, I have to go, please dont stop me. I will think about you in my thoughts and prayers and I know you will go very far in life. Dont let me change your dreams. Trust me. This is good for you.." he said and he kissed her forehead.

" But I love you Dean, don't leave me, I have done nothing wrong" she panicked.

" My love for you is not enough Sophia, you deserve more. Dont wait for me, I am not coming back. Live your life..to the fullest." and with that he opened the door and limped out of the room. The door shut behind him with a soft click.

"Don't go" she whispered in her mind, " DON'T LEAVE" she wanted to scream, but it was of no use. He had left and the only evidence that she had on her that he ever was with her was the cloud of cigarette smoke in the room, and traces of that in her damp hair. She opened the windows and invited the fresh cool breeze in to get rid of the smoke and his memories so that she could move on..

She sighed. She now knew why she had a heavy heart..