Managing Disappointment

I haven't written in so long. I have so much to say, because I feel so much, but somehow words are not enough to express what I feel when I feel them. Maybe its the Prozac, makes me numb to all that I am sensing, it does make the pain a little more bearable, but sometimes I wonder, would I be the person I am if I chose to become comfortably numb. Would I really be me? I mean everything gets to me, I have always been sensitive, but this is overwhelming. In many ways, that is good, I am always ready, I am always reactive, I am not passive, it makes me intuitive, but in many ways, my sensitive soul gets bruised by subtle cold, heartless and cruel acts and I find it hard to console myself.

Disappointment has been a tough one for me I guess. I am ok with anger, I am ok with injustice, I can deal with betrayal, but disappointment always seems to get the better of me. Being an optimistic person, the glass is always half full for me, even if its half empty, and I am hopeful about the present and the future. But with hope comes the prospect of disappointment that eats my soul and leaves a deep void that nothing seems to fill.

I read somewhere, that to be happy you need the following things a) Something fulfilling to do, b) Someone to love and c) Something to look forward to.

My work used to be the driving force of my life, it was and it is my identity for the past decade. What I do is what I am. But somehow, I am caught in a meaningless web of red tape and I am unable to wriggle my way out to the light. I am fighting none the less, but victory is playing hard to get..

Someone to love, that should be easy you must be thinking, but love is an illusion for me, it has been, I guess it will be, I just have to face it, I am very very unlucky in love.

So I try to seek solace and refuge by looking forward to the small things in life that make me smile, coffee with a friend for instance but everytime I seem to get excited about something or someone, cruel cruel fate plays a trick on me and disappointment wins an entry into my self again.

Nowadays, I play games with myself, I pretend I am not excited about something that I am actually excited about.. and sometimes it works..sometimes it doesn't.

I drive around aimlessly nowadays. Eminem is singing in the background. This guy knows pain, I tell myself, every word of his songs are loaded with feeling, I know what he was feeling when he wrote that song. He speaks my language..

I look around me, and I see life in its various shades. People on the roads, everyone has a story, everyone is lugging baggage, everyone has a dark secret. Sometimes I seek refuge of my dark glasses and am granted access to stare into people's eyes, the windows to their soul and I see their unspoken lives. Their pain, their joy, their hopes, their dreams, their courage, their life stories. I see the couple in the car behind me, the man talking on the phone, the woman staring out in space through the window, I wonder, "Are they happy?" I pass by the Gulf Times guy on the road, he smiles at me as I breeze by, I never buy the papers from him, but he still smiles at me, I wonder what he thinks of me, I wonder what his dreams are? I see an old man sweep the road near the corniche, I wonder what he is feeling, I wonder if he has eaten? I wonder if his kids know how hard he works to keep life moving. I think about my dad, I wonder if I have been a good daughter to him, I wonder how he keeps it together and does what he has to..I wonder if justice will ever be done to him.

I suddenly find tears running down my face, don't get me wrong, I am not sad, I just have so much of love and affection in me and I just don't seem to find an outlet to express it, so tears are my way of showing that maybe I am not so numb after all, I still feel. The stranger in the car next to me is looking at me with concern, he gestures if all is ok with me. I smile at him and convey that I am fine and I hope that I was able to express my heartfelt thanks for his concern for this crazy and lost stranger. Kindness still lives, I tell myself, people still care..That makes me happy..that makes me smile.. I still have it..My magical gift of connecting with a total stranger.

Life is moving in slow motion for me, I see everything clearly, minus the masks, minus the facades, minus the ulterior motives, I SEE PEOPLE, I really see through them nowadays. Talk is easy and people will always talk about who they think they are, but in my opinion, its your actions that defines you, your actions really paint the real picture of you, actions will always speak louder than words.

Disappointment is normal. It is a part and parcel of grown-up life. Its how you get over it, that defines who you are. Its how you bounce back, that makes you the hero you want yourself to be. 80% of life is just showing up says Woody Allen. It takes great courage to do the simple, small things in your day to day life when you feel that your world is coming tumbling down. That is true courage in our times when escape is so easily available.

I curl up on my side of the bed and I find myself looking forward to tomorrow. I smile and tell myself what my favourite heroine told herself many many years ago... that "After all...tomorrow is another day"..